The last time I wrote was in early February. It’s been a solid month since I last had anything to say here. I felt a little bad breaking my promise to myself to write once a week, but not as bad as I usually do.
I don’t feel that bad about not writing because that last post I made exhausted me. It was not so much the writing that did it–that was tough, but honestly I felt more relief than anything else. It was the sharing of that story that really sapped my emotional energy.
I’ve talked a big game about openness and vulnerability, and about my aspirations to be very open with you here. And it isn’t a lie–these are very much things I value. I believe so strongly in the power of honestly sharing personal stories, as sappy as that sounds. And I don’t mean “power” in the sense that my babble will somehow change the world. Words can have that power, and it might be nice to write words like that, but I’ve been pretty content, at least in this space, with making small differences, with making a handful of people here or there feel understood and less alone, and with making my own life better for having been carefully considered.
So yes, I believe in those things. But I also know the tradeoffs of what I do here. I know that googling my name brings up stories of abuse and failure and depression, and to a lot of people that paints a picture of a mess, a person they’d never want to hire, befriend, work with. And I know that as much as I would like to say “well, I don’t want those people in my life anyways,” I know that if I want a career, I may not have that luxury. I also know that if I actually upset people with what I say here, I risk all the meanness of the internet, though that is something I have largely avoided thus far.
I also know that I am open here, but not transparent. There are things I don’t share in order to protect my own personal safety or to protect the feelings of people I love. There are stories I don’t tell because I don’t think I could share them truthfully without damaging relationships… that for now take priority. And sometimes I feel okay about that, while at others I feel deeply conflicted, and even resentful about not being able to explain the whole story.
Basically, it takes a lot of my emotional energy to decide what to share, what consequences I am willing to accept. And though I have been mostly lucky thus far, sometimes there have been consequences that I have had to deal with, and that takes energy too. And lately, I have in many ways lost my appetite for that extra layer of considerations and edits. Work is going amazingly well–my day job is great and I’m taking some small freelance projects–and I’m left with less and less energy for personal writing. And I don’t want to use up that precious energy debating what is reasonable to share.
I’m not willing to give this place up, but it is going to change somewhat. There will probably still be very personal posts, but they will be infrequent. There may, someday, again be personal writing as heavy as my last post–if only once in a blue moon. But for now, personal things are going to be a little lighter, and I’ll be doing more talking about less-personal things on my mind. And because I am enormously busy, and not in a place to commit to a posting schedule, posting is going to stay sporadic for a little while.
I know I don’t NEED to tell you all any of this. I could just slowly change and not say anything, and you might not even notice. I know I don’t NEED to apologize for posting less or more or what have you. Some of you are probably rolling your eyes at all this process-y bullshit. But I needed to say it, for me at least.