I’ve been putting off writing this post for awhile, but the time has come to bite the bullet and put this out there:
For now, I am walking away from this blog. No more sporadic posting, just closing up shop.
This has been a really, really tough decision to reach, as you can probably imagine. I began writing here at a real crisis point in my life, and the writing itself and the feedback I received were both truly invaluable in getting through that time and in beginning to figure out who the fuck I am in the absence of my long-held identities as “the smart kid” and “student” and “scientist”. I have been humbled by the many people who have thanked me for helping them, and honored by those of you who have shared your stories with me.
The reason I’m leaving is pretty simple. Most of what I feel drawn to writing about lately is, for one reason or another, something that I’m not willing, ready, or able to share under my real name. I can’t give you a single specific reason for this, because there are many. Some things are stuff I don’t want to be searchable by employers (current or future). Some are things I’m not ready to share with some people in my real-world life, and though obviously not everyone I associate reads this blog, my name being attached means it’s super easy to find.
And part of the problem is, in the realm of more creative endeavors, I want to give myself permission to play around more. To try things that I’m not at all experienced in or good at, just for fun. And while in theory, this shouldn’t be a big deal to have out in the world (we should all be entitled to play!), it seems really risky at this stage in my life and career to “play” with certain ideas and modes of expression totally in public.
I am not, of course, disappearing from the internet. I have a twitter account and a tumblr, both used somewhat sporadically and informally, but you can connect with me there. The contact form on this page, as well as the facebook page for this blog, will stay alive. At the moment, I have no plans to remove any of the current content, though there may come a day (well into the future, if ever) that I choose to do so. I may also start another blog under my real name for the purpose of talking about the process of teaching myself a few new skills through a variety of MOOCs, but I’m not sure about that quite yet.
I am also definitely going to be starting a new personal blog under a pseudonym, which for obvious reasons, I won’t be linking up to this one in any way. This is sad, because I know some of you would probably follow me if only you knew where to go. If you know me in real life, trust me that if/when I have a new blog up and am okay with you reading it, I will clue you in. If we have interacted repeatedly online (I have commented on your blog, you’ve commented on mine, we’ve interacted at captain awkward or in the forums, or we have exchanged personal emails), I may feel comfortable filling you in. If you feel you fit that bill, shoot me a message via facebook or the contact form on here, and I may add you to the list of people I’ll inform when my new, more private place is ready.
Of course, my writing style and interests will stay largely the same, and if you and I run in the same internet circles, you may put two and two together and figure out what new pseudonymous blog is actually written by me without any help. If you do, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t share that publicly, of course, but of course don’t feel that figuring it out in and of itself is some kind of violation of my privacy. I know that this is the internet and nothing can stay secret forever, and that isn’t my expectation. Really, I’d just like to be able to not have things I am just fucking around with be at the top of my google results when a potential employer looks me up.
And phew, that’s about it you guys. Just two more things before I go.
1. I want my current readers to know that I in no way regret writing here. I take nothing back. I’m just ready to move on, for now.
2. To future googlers-of-my-name: this blog was a record of my thinking during a difficult and transitional period in my life. I make no apologies for having been a person who went through some hard things and spent some time figuring all that out in a very public way.
Goodbye, my friends.