I’m still here

Hello world. Sorry for disappearing there for awhile.

 

As I think I’ve said before, the longer I go without posting here, the harder it is to start again. My standards are too high. I want to explain my absence (which I know, I don’t need to do), and I want to prove to myself that I do have something interesting to say. Particularly when I stopped posting because stuff was happening in my life, I want to have something to say about those things, but I don’t want it to just be an accounting of events. I want to have some insight, or at least some damn good writing, to share.

The problem is, I’ve got myself so psyched out at this point, nothing seems good enough to post. So, to start, I’m going to drastically lower my standards.

Here is what has been going on with me. I had a girlfriend, who I had mentioned here from time to time, but did not discuss in any detail, because she was a very private person. We started dating late in 2011, and moved in together in May of 2013. For most of that time, we were happy together. But last year was rough on both of us, and gradually we grew apart. By this spring, with the time to renew our lease approaching, things were pretty rocky, though we were still trying to work on it.

And then we stopped trying.

I’m not going into the details of the breakup, because I still care about my ex and respect her privacy. She is a lovely human, generally, and cared deeply about me. I loved her, and in many ways still do.

I’ll leave it at this–the decision was made that the relationship was no longer good for the two of us, that something had to change. We tried to end things amicably and gently, and we’d hoped to stay friends. Unfortunately, it took a few weeks after this decision was made for me to find a new place and move out. It was awkward and difficult to still live together after breaking up, and we were both hurting. Hurtful things were said. By the time I moved out, at the beginning of May, it didn’t feel like there was much friendship left to hold on to.

I haven’t ruled out the possibility of us reconnecting as friends sometime well down the road, if we find our paths crossing. But for now, at least, I am completely out of contact with the woman I shared my life with for more than two years.

And fuck, does that shit hurt.

I really wish I had something better to say than that, but I don’t. Though I know that this was probably for the best, in the long run, for now it sucks.

Life goes on, of course. I moved into a nice apartment with a lovely roommate. I’ve kept up with work at my job, and also applied for some long-shot opportunities that would be very cool next-steps, careerwise. I’m keeping busy with friends I currently have, and recently updated my okcupid profile in hopes of finding a few more. I still haven’t quite gotten used to grocery shopping and cooking for just one person, but I will. I have my own bedroom again, and it’s clean and cozy.

I’ve listened to some cheesy breakup music and written some self-pitying drivel in my notebook, and I get lonely sometimes, but I’m largely okay. If there  is one thing I know how to do, it’s riding out tough emotions. I don’t always like it, but I always get through.

 

And that’s about it for now, I think. Hopefully, this is the beginning of me writing again, and perhaps next time I’ll have more interesting things to say.

 

10 thoughts on “I’m still here

  1. Breaking up is hard. I’ve been there many times. You will get through it. We all do. Keeping busy helps. I’m glad you’re writing here again. I missed my dose of keelium. Thank you for letting us read a bit of what goes through your mind.

  2. Maybe you will have much you have learned on this journey that you will be able to share. Not details of the relationship but details of your learning and healing.

  3. For what it’s worth, I have known couples who’ve had difficult break-ups and were able to become friends again after they’d both had some time and space. I hope that you and your ex can get to that point too, and I’m awfully sorry for what you’ve been dealing with lately.

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